Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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