Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
