Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
