um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
