if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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