its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
