I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
