my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
