I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
