Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
