i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
