she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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