The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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