I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
