The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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