you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
