I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
