i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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