are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
