i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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