Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
