theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
