Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
