Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
