I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
