My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I came so hard my ears popped.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
