I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
