Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
