You can't motorboat a personality
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
