I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
