is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
