Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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