Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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