He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
