Having a random hookup so left but love u
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
