11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
