Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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