so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
