I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
