I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
