4 words: hood of his car
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
