My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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