Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize