just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
