I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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