Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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