I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
