How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
