did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
