I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
