Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
