My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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