I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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