I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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