youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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