I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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