I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
