after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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