I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
