I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't turn off my feet"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
