i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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