Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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