conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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