He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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