My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
